Me: Mom, its 6:00 pm, I am going for a quick run, okay?

Mom: You cant, it is “Maghrib” (prayer time).

Me: What does this have to do with anything?

Mom: You know JIN (evil spirits) sit on trees and wait for humans?

Brown parents have an irrational explanation for everything. I mean we are in 2012 and we are asked to believe in spirits. Are you kidding me! These superstition have no logic behind them. Listen to this:

Me: Mom, my right eye keeps on twitching.

Mom: Oh my god, something good will happen. Just wait and watch.

You know what happened that day? I got my exam back and I scored a fucking C+. Good my ass!

Me: Mom, my right hand is itchy.

Mom: Oh my god, you will get some money today.

Same day I got a letter from “Brampton Flower city” to pay my property taxes CAD $3890.00. I do not believe in all this, so I beg my parents to start living and stop worrying. But it is an insane thing to ask your parents to just “LIVE”. So they assume that since they are not living, no one else have a right to live either. Here’s how:

Me: Mom, I am going out. I’ll be back by 8 pm.

Aaaa shewwwww (sneeze), okay?

Mom: Oh my god, you are so not going. Come sit here.

Me: But why?

Mom: It is bad luck if you sneeze right before you leave. You have to sneeze one more time and then you can leave.

So, now I sit there and wait to sneeze. I couldn’t convince my inner guts to sneeze so I take a hair pin and move around in my nostrils hoping that this unusual sensation would somehow make me sneeze (disgusting). After a minute or so I sneeze, thankfully. The only issue is, I sneeze several times and not just once. So, now I have to sit and sneeze ONE more time to get out of the house.

Also, in brown families bad things never “just happen”. If you cut your finger, bite your tongue, slip, get a D in class, or fail to submit your assignment, it is all because someone is giving you an evil eye. In order for you to not have an evil eye, you have to light “Agar batti” (incense) or burn “Red chillies” on a stove. After this, kill yourself, because after smelling the burnt chillies you will suffocate to death anyways!

I think brown parents need a break, from being brown. To give my parents a break, I got two tickets to Dubai. And no, they are not return tickets!

What would you do to give your parents a break from being brown?

4Apr2013

The brown equations about life

by Sonia

Life = Family

Love = Waste of time

Restriction = Betterment

I cannot figure out the brown culture and the endless list of senseless questions, restrictions, gossip and much more. I mean, in which other culture can a guy and a girl not be friends? Sometimes a boy and a girl are just friends, but I guess this is too complicated for an average brown person to comprehend.

Boy + Girl = Husband + Wife

This gets even shittier. Since when is it abnormal to date people? Are you kidding me?

Our generation:

We have to date people to see if they are worth our time.

Parents thinking:

Get married. Eventually, you will know if they are better for you or not. If yes, good for you………..if no, adjust to it.

Then comes the reasoning brown parents give for anything. Two years ago, my sister got married. My mom after two years, “So when is the good news? Are you hiding? It’s been two years; I mean you are married for two years. You should have a baby by now.” Is this valid reasoning? Forget the valid reasoning; is it even logical to have kids, just because you are married for two years?

Married for one year = Kids

It is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to have a normal conversation with brown parents. I have tried it a MILLION times, nothing seems to work. For instance, I said to my mom, “My head hurts.”

Mom: “You are always over the phone, talking, texting. 24/7 on Facebook, always tweeting, what else will happen with your head?” So all I said was “ My head hurts” and this is the response.

Me: Mom, but I…..

Mom: I know your if’s and but’s

Me: Mom, I wanted to tell you that…

Mom: Dont tell me anything, I know what you have to say.

Me: Mom, but today I am c….

Mom: What today? everyday is same day for you.

Conversation = Lecture about how you SUCK!

It does happen in real life with brown people…. sympathize with them!

Share your brown equation below 🙂

9Mar2013

Senseless Question session in Desi family

by Sonia

Brown parents ask you the ‘obvious’ question, and expect an answer………in fact a detailed answer!

After a long tiring day, I want to rest. What place other than home……….so I enter my home, and mom sees me closing the door behind me.

Mom: “You are here?”

SERIOUSLY!

Me: No I’m not, you’re seeing my dead spirit. I wish I could say this! I start to walk upstairs and bam!…..another question…..

Mom: “Are you going upstairs?”

Me: No I am jumping off the freakin CN tower, urghh…… I decide to have lunch after changing. I go downstairs and start eating. Here comes another question.

Mom: “Are you eating?”

Me: No, I’m skipping rope………can you believe this? The other day my dad called me on the HOME PHONE and asked, if I was home? The shit!! I wish I could say to him, “Ohh no, I’m at a bar listening to Nirvana -_-

All these questions made me a perfect CONFUSED CHILD -_-

My parents have the skill to make anyone doubt themselves, and it is easy for them. They ask you the same question over and over, until you change your mind.

Check this out:

Me: “Mom I’m going to bed.” .

Mom: “So, you’re going to your room?”

Did I not say that? So now I’m wondering if I should go to my room or stay in the kitchen and eat. I doubt myself all the time, thanks to my parents. Anyways, after facing these questions I change into my pyjamas, get into my comfy bed, under the thick red comforter that my mom got me from Karachi, the so called “Big City of Pakistan”.

I turn on the dim blue light and imagine myself in a house where no one asks questions, where I don’t get to smell food five times a day, and where I have the freedom to go upstairs whenever I want. Then I hear a heavy knock on my door…….

Within seconds, my door is wide open.

Mom: “Are you sleeping now?”

Um ok, so………..…..the lights are off, I have no laptop around me, I am not tweeting, nor stalking anyone on Facebook, it is very much obvious that I am sleeping, isn’t it?

Me: “Yes mom, its 12 am what else would I be doing?” SHIT! Guess what, I have crossed my limit.

I was ready to hear a lecture with ‘perfect grammar’ and a ‘thick accent’, with no pause in between. Also, I was well aware that it would no longer be about me sleeping or studying. In fact it will be about my lifestyle, values, morals, and the afterlife.

I swear, if any of the professors at the “University of Toronto” hear what my parents say, they will arrange a FREE-OF-CHARGE seminar in my house just so that they can spend time with my family and teach them how to write or even speak proper English.

I think if Professor Mike, would hear their English, his reaction would be something like this:

Prof Mike: We need to work on grammar, verbs as well, use of comma, adverbs and……OMG there is a lot to work on……SHIT!

And here comes the lecture!

Mom: “You wait and watch, dad is going to see you, look at you, trying to act like white kids here. Its our mistake we got you here……I tell him first thing in the morning, what will you tell Allah when you die, that you use to copy kids here and always talking back with parents, this is what you will say? I never imagine my daughter will turn out to be like this. Hai Allah, what have we done wrong in our life that we get to have a daughter like her.” She slams the door behind her.

The brown Equation: Talking back = Pack your bags

NOW, don’t be shy, this happens with you as well. Yes, you the Brown person staring at the screen. I am with you on this.

So, take my advice. It is free.

Do not be born in a brown family.

If you are born in a brown family……well……LIVE WITH IT!

3Mar2013

Desi Food =Oily + Stinky

by Sonia

This is how I get to know that the food is ready..….when I hear the smoke alarm.

My perfect Brown Family needs no introduction. If you walk from the trail near my house, you can smell the food. My white friends find it yummy and interesting. I don’t think the food will be interesting if you had to take a shower three times a day in the WINTER due to the smell that lingers in your hair and on your clothes from the food. Yes, I take a shower three times a day during WINTER, and all other seasons, for that matter. I would live on cereal and nutella. If I could avoid the stench I would…..but because I was born BROWN, I am expected to love oily, stinking food.

Can we not make life easy and cook pasta, have cereal, bread with nutella maybe; something or anything which is not oily, stinky, and full of calories? According to my mom, we cannot. Because she says, “mere tangay sook gai hain and mere chuzay jaisa moo nikal aya hai.” (My legs have dried up and my face is starting to resemble a chicken –> I dont know from which angle though!)

Mom’s perception of me!

Reality!

Living in a brown family is not easy. I can say this because I AM BROWN! It is funny how a simple task of having dinner with family becomes all about cultural norms, respect, values and brown… basically BEEP BEEP….. You can fill this word with different meanings…. Take this Scenario as an example:

Steps completed by an average non-brown person for dinner:

Hear. “Food is ready”.
Walk down stairs and sit on the table.
Eat food.
Wash their own dishes and leave.

Steps completed by a Brown person (or at least me) for dinner:

Hear the smoke alarm.
Run (good luck if you are overweight).
Find a chair and a towel.
Stand on chair and fan towel at the smoke alarm.
If needed, pull out the freaking smoke alarm so it stops beeping.
Have a seat. DO NOT COMPLAIN!
Eat, and wait for everyone to be done with their food.
Clean the whole table, wash dishes, clean the kitchen, take out the garbage as its part of the kitchen, make tea for everyone, and serve it. After everyone is done with tea, wash dishes again and spend some quality time with family.
At 12am, stress about the assignment which was due at 11:59pm.
So, you missed the assignment ……

One can see how white people have extra time to study, compared to a brown person. So, I hope that our professors will sympathize with us, and give brown kids extra time given for assignments (gleefully)

What’s say brown people 😉

11Feb2013

Be thankful if you are of a non-brown origin

by Sonia

If you are born “Desi”, be ready and appreciate that your parents:

Doubt you and your intentions.
Aanalyze and criticize your approach and correct it, if need be.
Give you oily food, which leads to heart issues, obesity, and much more.
Make you learn the art of making a round ‘roti’.
Make you learn how to respect husbands “only”.

And the list goes on… but here I want to talk about what non-brown people have to be thankful for. Basically, they should be thankful that they are not BROWN. If you are eager to find out the reason why, read below. I’m sure after reading this you will be glad that you are born…………WHITE!

Things desi parents put their kids through:

Me: “Mom, I cleaned the house, did laundry, washed dishes, gardening is done as well, and I also washed the washrooms.” A normal parent would be happy listening to the list of chores that their child completed.

However, In a brown (desi) family, it seems that there is no concept of being “thankful”, “happy” or “appreciative”. After all this work, you get to hear, “How about the dinner, is it cooked or am I making it?”

My (white) friend Shez said: “Dad I got a 91% in Math and 89% in Physics.” Her dad got her an ipad and gave her $200. I was impressed. Next semester I studied and managed to get a 98% in Math and a 93% in Physics. I came home and told my dad.

Me: “Dad I scored the second highest in class.”

Dad: “Oh you got 98%. When I was in grade twelve I never got less than 100% in Math. I mean you missed two marks which means that your concepts were probably not clear. Try harder next time.”

So, one can see the appreciation brown kids get every day, we call this a “positive energy” which surrounds us and is worth having, as it will help you in GOD KNOWS WHAT! I always wondered why brown people complain about life and white people don’t. Now, I have the answers and I would like to share them with you.

No drinking- what so ever
No boys at parties- what so ever
No short skirts, see through shirts- what so ever
No showing cleavage- what so ever
No smoking or drugs- what so ever
No swearing- what so ever
Be home by 6 pm- no excuses
No Hollywood Movie- what so ever
No talking with boys in school, colleges and in universities- what so ever
Only study law or medicine- nothing else
No fun- what so ever
Don’t dye your hair – what so ever
No tattoos- what so ever

AND the list goes on…………………Brown parents strongly believe that their kids have lenient parents, (according to parents) have little to no restriction, (according to parents) and brown kids are LUCKY, because they are born brown (according to parents).

So, all the non-brown kids better be happy that they don’t belong to a brown family. Enjoy this life while you can.

3Feb2013

Proposal (Rishta) in Desi Family

by Sonia

“What time will you be home? My sister-in-law’s brother is coming to see you for his son’s sister-in-law’s friend.” Mom says.

THE WHO?

“By 5 in the evening.”

In the brown culture, random people visit your house and see a girl who they MIGHT like. As if you are a dessert that is waiting to be sampled and enjoyed! The drama does not end here. The best part starts when they walk into the house and your mother asks you to bring out the food, which she made.

The conversation starter is always the praising of the food which ‘apparently’ I made. I don’t even know the names of half the food items on the table………and I supposedly made them. Consequently, I get to hear so many great qualities and strengths that I possess which, before this day, were not present at all.

This is my Mom’s version of me when a proposal comes:

“She takes care of the house. I rarely do anything. She babysits her niece and nephew, she cooks something different every day, she is always smiling, very friendly, caring, basically she’s just a perfect girl like an angel”.

Reality, however, is a bit different to say the least:

I do not touch any of the chores, let alone perform any house work. Mom does all the cooking and cleaning. I hate kids. I only use the microwave, and that also for tea or to heat something that is already cooked. I rarely laugh. All I care about is food, my grades in university, my weight and……..that is it. I’m not the girl they are looking for and I’m definitely NOT an angel.

You think you can handle me!

Ohh, one thing I forgot to tell you. Before they come and see me, my mom asks me to put “Multani Mitti” on my face (natural product with no chemicals that is supposed to make my face ‘glow’). Use the mixture of egg and yogurt and massage gently on my head (so no shampoo). Apply raw garlic on my nails (for stronger nails).

My deluded mom is under the impression that this makes me look younger, fresh, and that I smell like the J’adore Dior perfume. Honestly, if the inventor of J’adore hears that his perfume is being equated to the smell of egg, garlic, and sand, he’ll probably commit suicide or become clinically depressed, to say the least:

Truth: I stink of egg, garlic, and Multani Mitti (this is what I think)!

I assure you that if you take a shower with a self-made shampoo of eggs and yogurt, have garlic on your nails, and to top it all off, have applied multani mitti on your not-so-pretty face, you will get to hear this song from your potential husband/boyfriend:

So……. good luck to the desi girls out there who are trying to find “THE ONE” with this smell 😉

Life of a brown girl ;)

Fight of survival in a brown family

Quick look of A Brown Life!

Superstitions in Desi Family

What would you do to give your parents a break from being brown?

The brown equations about life

Share your brown equation below 🙂

Senseless Question session in Desi family

Desi Food =Oily + Stinky

Be thankful if you are of a non-brown origin

Proposal (Rishta) in Desi Family